I've tried very hard of late to try to avoid being overly negative when talking about Chester. I can appreciate some people are becoming tired of what they view as constant negativity or digs at the club and have tried to add some balance when plausible.
We all know this season has been an improvement on the last, despite the recent results from either playing with formations, injuries or loss of form. I'm happy with the manager, perhaps 2.5 years is a bit of a push but he's done well with no resources and the main thing is he hasn't moaned about it constantly. I like that he will defend his players to the hilt, even in the face of obvious areas of concern, because this is a young squad which needs that approach. Lloyd choosing Macca over Burr for less money tells you a lot in my view.
Andy Ruscoe and Jim Green are doing their bit to resurrect the community trust side and are getting Chester out to the kids.
Every single thread comes back to these positive aspects, they cannot be doubted (in my view).
I then sat there on Saturday.
During the most dullest of games, with no shots in the first half and a very Mark Wright feel to it (although we'd have won 1-0 then and put up with it) and looked around the ground and saw all the gaps and wondered, why do i bother?
It was a shocking moment to be fair, but i sat there and thought about the commitment of time and money I give to this club and I just thought it was all pretty pointless.
Apathy breeds apathy which then on breeds contempt.
Not getting over dramatic here, I'll be very open and say i wasn't 'blue from birth' or any of that. I followed Chester because i liked football and my uncle brought me and i loved the buzz of live football over TV. I watched us get relegated and come back up again, the chaos of that first season back and unending drama thereafter.
I haven't followed Chester when nothing has been happening.
And yet, despite pre-season hoping for mid-table obscurity I sat there watching a nothing game with no atmosphere whatsoever and couldn't get away from the fact that if this had been the type of game my uncle brought me to all those years ago, I wouldn't be following Chester now.
Watching your local club does have aspects of loyalty and belonging, but faced with a deluge of live TV football turning up to an empty stadium and paying a premium is literally only for the hard-core.
I'd like to think i'm hard-core. I'm a season ticket holder and have been for 10 years plus. I've played for, captained and managed the supporter's team for 11 years. I've followed Chester home and away, to some absolute holes getting up at 7am to go play a supporters match beforehand and taking out my full saturday dedicated to Chester. Yet, here i am, sat there on Saturday wondering what the point is.
I'm not saying i'll stop going, I know that won't happen.
But this isn't what i signed up for. All i'm hearing for next season is not progression, but regression - a smaller squad, tighter budget and lower crowds.
It's very hard to get motivated faced with that. If i didn't buy a season ticket, I do wonder how many games i'd miss. I've got friends who've followed Chester longer than me who just aren't going any more. I mean these are fans who used to go everywhere, to every game.
It's not just because there is nothing to play for, this has been happening all season. It's the apathy from the club at present that - this is our lot - this is it - we have to make do. There's a significant like of drive and ideas coming from the club. There's plenty from the fans, we've all tried to come up with ideas - i should mention i've discussed matters at length with directors in the past and understand some of the constraints but unfortunately there's only so many times you can hear 'no' before you stop bothering.
I said all this on a "crossroads" thread last year on the old DC so it's nothing new. That was a great discussion which Jim Green turned into an article and yet we're still plodding along doing the same old tired things whilst watching the club's fanbase die away.
NWAS got some stick for that, and I may for this, but thats how it feels at the moment. Falling crowds, falling budgets and nothing other than pie in the sky talk or the hilarious 'pipelines'.
I'm fed up, and i'm having a moan. Plenty are happy with the status quo or are just happy with a club to support look where we were 7 years ago etc. Credit you guys, honestly, no digs - but i can't sit there in sub 2000s and possible sub 1500 tuesday and find it anything other than a chore.
As i said, apathy will breed contempt at some stage.